Well I've been home for 3 months now. Making that decision to serve was hard, but nothing compared to the decision to come home for a while for my health.
I wasn't even going to post my story, but if it will help others who are in the same situation, even if its just a comfort knowing that there are others out in the world with a story much like your own.
So I find myself trying to put into words something I thought was impossible to describe. You can see physical illnesses, but not mental. Its hard.
In my 4th week at the CCM (MTC) in Mexico I was diagnosed with anxiety. A week later I started having stomach problems. I threw everything up, medicine, food, water, everything for 6 days. I was weak, which scared me because I'd always thought I was a strong person. They called my parents and asked if they could put me on medication. Then the next week, I found that I had lost a little over 20 lbs. After a lot of meetings with the CCM president, doctors, and finally a phone call to my parents and the decision was made for me to come back home for a while and regain my health.
Before I knew it I was on a plane heading home. Seeing my family after 5 weeks of Mexico, I was terrified. I felt like I had failed in someway. Like I wasn't good enough to be on a mission.
Then going to the doctors every couple of days to try and find out whats wrong with my stomach.
I now know that anxiety can cause stomach problems, digestion problems, weight loss, panic attacks.
Before I had no idea what it could do to a person. And why was it happening to me!?
I'm still struggling, everyday. I don't know why this happened, but I know that staying positive is essential.
The first month was the hardest. I started getting depressed, couldn't eat or sleep. I tried everything.
I moved in with my sister and brother in law and got a job cutting hair. Hoping that if I just stayed busy all my problems would disappear. I tried filling every moment with something so that I wouldn't have to think about things.
It just seemed to make things worse. I started having even more panic attacks, eventually I took a medical leave at my job. I just stayed home, never really coming out unless I had to.
I started running, for hours outside. I found it gave me time to really think about things. Time to figure out what the next step in my life would be.
I moved in with my parents and started attending my home branch. I found so much support there.
I changed my diet and started eating more fruit and veggies, I was a vegetarian before the CCM. But I now made the choice to become a vegan.
I started feeling happier, I was getting exercise and eating good things, I wasn't feeling depressed anymore. I felt like I wasn't trapped anymore.
I started going out and being around others. I made a plan to get better and eventually go back out on my mission.
Its been 3 weeks since I started all of that. I know that without my family, friends, and my Heavenly Father, I wouldn't be able to do it.
I had started out keeping everything in and everyone out. But now I know that the only way to make progress is to tell others, to get that support.
I've had only one panic attack in the last 3 weeks. I've been able to laugh and know that everything happen for a reason. That it will all work out in the end.
I talked with my therapist, and I was told that if I keep up my progress that I might be able to go back in January.
Medically returned missionary's have no choice, its not their fault having to come home. We have no control over that. You have not failed, you've done all you can. And that's all you can do.
I know that Heavenly Father has a plan that's unique to each of us. Because each of us is a unique person. He loves us and will always be there to pick us up and carry us when the road gets rough.
We just need to trust Him.